Not Pregnant

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funny-pictures-sad-cat-blackandwhite.jpgYesterday I wanted to leave work half way through the day, go home, curl up alone in bed, and just lay there until at least the next morning.


Because someone showed me a picture.  An ultrasound picture.  Yes, I know this is not an appropriate or normal reaction.

My friend is going to be a father... of twins.  His wife is 8 weeks along.  He was so happy to share the news.  He could not wipe the humongous grin off of his face.  He was downright giddy.  More giddy that I ever thought any man could be.  So of course I am extremely happy for him.  I know he has been wanting kids for a really long time.  He is a great guy and will make a wonderful dad. 

It feels as though everyone around me is having a baby.  It feels as though the universe is rubbing it in my face that I will never have a biological child of my own.  Multiple bloggers I read are expecting or just had a baby.  A close friend is due on April 1st.  The D.J. I listen to in the morning is pregnant.  Even the lady they had on the radio show this morning is pregnant.

Luckily, I was able to pull myself together yesterday and made it through the entire work day.  I only let the happy side show through and tucked away the depressed, angry, bitter side.  I am, apparently, letting that side rear its ugly head now.  I really hate that such wonderful news can have such a negative impact on me. 

It is tough being thirty and infertile, internets.  It is tough.

Two main questions regarding this issue have been swimming around my head, so I thought I'd air them here. 

1.  When do you tell your significant other that you are unable to conceive?

2.  How do you ask your partner how they feel about the fact that you cannot give them a child?

The Boy has known that I cannot have children since before we were dating.  The topic came up when we were still just friends and I did not shy away from divulging that information. 

I have recently wanted to ask him how he feels about the situation, as it obviously impacts him and our relationship.  His feelings about it never came up during the initial discussion and I am somehow too embarrassed, too ashamed, too saddened, too afraid, too something to bring it up now.

There are so many other questions revolving around fetility issues that I frequently ask myself and would like to ask here, but I think I'll save those for another day.


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Stories, advice, and random thoughts from a thirty-something female.

Many people in their thirties are dealing with common issues and concerns. Some of these include buying a home, establishing a career, starting a family, and dealing with aging parents. I will blog about all these things as well as other every day stuff as I make my way through this third decade of life.

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This page contains a single entry by Erin published on December 17, 2008 8:45 PM.

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