For you, I'd do anything

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I was recently part of what I thought was quite an interesting debate/conversation.  The conversation started talking about the premarital counseling that is required to get married in the catholic church.  We were discussing one question in particular. 

Would you be willing to do whatever it took in order to make your partner happy?

My immediate answer was a definite no. I take things very literally.  In general, I don't like absolutes like that.  I think a marriage (and relationship in general) is all about compromise. I don't think one person should give up everything for the other. I think that sacrifices have to be made by both parties in order to make both people happy. However, I would not give up my hopes and dreams or anything else extremely important to me for another person. I would not change myself in fundamental ways for another person. I would not be happy that way.  There will be things that either both people have to completely agree upon, or be willing to compromise on. If there is something really important to me that I can't have because of something else that is really important to my partner, then it probably won't work.

One of the guys involved in the conversation brought up a related situation that had recently happened to him. First, a little background information is required:

  • He goes to the gym 6 days a week and has been doing so for many, many years. This is something that is really important to him.
  • He has a regular bedtime of around 10p so that he can get up extremely early and do his workout before going to a long day of work.
  • He is very dedicated to his job and works many long hours.

So back to the story... he had been dating a girl for about a month. She knew the 3 facts I just stated above. She called him one night around 10:30 asking him to come over, even though they had a conversation earlier that evening and they decided not to do anything that night. His response was that he couldn't (wouldn't) come over because he was tired, it was time for bed, and he had to get up early for the gym. If he didn't go he'd be all off for the entire week. She got upset by this and said, "going to the gym is more important than seeing me?"

My personal opinion was that this was rather inconsiderate of the girl knowing his schedule and rigid routine. I thought it was too early in the relationship to start asking him to change and make such compromises for her. I agree that I probably would be upset to get that response from him, but I don't think I would have made the phone call and asked the question in the first place.


What's your opinion?  Should she have made the phone call?  Did she have a right to get upset that he wasn't willing to stay up late and skip the gym for her?  Should he have skipped the gym this once to make her happy?  What are some things you might not be willing to compromise on?

 



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4 Comments

I think that getting into a relationship is about being flexible for another person to fit in. Gym-ming 6 times a week with such rigidity is rather uncompromising and he should realize that such a practice is unsustainable if he wants room for another person in his life and eventually move to something more serious.

The girl here is merely trying to "test" his flexibility, coolness and his reaction to "proverbial" spanner into his well regimented life.

If he gives in then it shows that he does not get ruffled and is able to handle change, but if he reacts adversely, I guess he is sending the message that he is no ready for someone in his life.

Majimo

Hi Erin,

Sorry, Majimo, but your are simply wrong.

This one is simple. The girl in the situation as you described is a flake. She's a manipulative bitch who only wants to see if he'll break his long standing routine at a whim for her. It's a power thing. The line she gave about preferring the gym to her is classic manipulation. This isn't several months into the relationship or an uncommon occurrence for which he can make an exception. She is simply testing him - and seeing what she can get away with. And since he didn't actually rush over there, she probably isn't very good in bed, either. She's a needy, insecure, over-emotional C U next tuesday and she is looking for nothing more than validation.

I hate women like this. I hope she winds up a desperate cougar someday.

A man that keeps a routine as solid as this is probably a disciplined, hard-working guy. Since he goes to the gym so much he's probably pretty good looking too. Bottom line - he's a catch. This sloth is one of those women who will bitch about him putting on a few pounds after he neglects going to the gym - because of her.

The dude in the story needs to drop this worthless tramp like yesterday.

Mike

The answer to the question (Would you be willing to do whatever it took in order to make your partner happy?) for me would be boil down to compromise. I would be willing to discuss & take into serious consideration anything that would make my partner happy. If it were that important to him, I would always be willing to listen and work toward a solution that would make both of us happy. I think, for me, leaving possibilities open like that allows for open dialogue & the security in knowing something won't be shot down before it's even been put on the table, knowing each will have the opportunity to be heard and knowing that the respect for each individual's needs-feelings-wishes-goals will be a two-way street. Perhaps a healthy discussion will open up a new avenue as a solution that works for both people. Or maybe when the other person's concerns-thoughts-feelings are factored in, you realize that the overall health of your relationship would suffer & maybe what you thought was important becomes less so, in light of that.

That being said, the girl in question knew his routine. Being whiny & demanding is not the way to handle an adult relationship. If his schedule was truly a problem for her, she should have brought it to him, to see if maybe there was an alternate solution that would work for them both. Or if she wanted a one-time special night (barring a true emergency), knowing his schedule, maybe she should have talked to him about planning for one rather than springing it on him. Saying "you obviously love the gym more than me" is designed to be a manipulative guilt-trip and there is no room for that sort of behavior in a healthy relationship.

In case you folks were curious, the two are no longer dating. I don't know the details, but I'm guessing he dumped her shortly after this "incident".

Majimo, I think when he finally meets the right girl, he make some adjustments and find away to still do the things he wants to, as well as make time for his partner.

Mike, I tend to agree with all you said, although I don't have quite as strong negative feelings towards the girl. :)

Dawn, I totally agree. It's all about compromising to make yourself and your partner both happy. If something were really important to my boyfriend, it would definitely factor heavily into certain decisions I make. I know that he's the same way and would without a doubt be willing to seriously consider anything that was really important to me. There's a mutual respect for each other thoughts/feelings/desires. If anything we are TOO considerate of each other and too willing to compromise sometimes... ha.

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Stories, advice, and random thoughts from a thirty-something female.

Many people in their thirties are dealing with common issues and concerns. Some of these include buying a home, establishing a career, starting a family, and dealing with aging parents. I will blog about all these things as well as other every day stuff as I make my way through this third decade of life.

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