Recently in Fertility Category

Yesterday I wanted to leave work half way through the day, go home, curl up alone in bed, and just lay there until at least the next morning.

Why?

Because someone showed me a picture.  An ultrasound picture.  Yes, I know this is not an appropriate or normal reaction.

My friend is going to be a father... of twins.  His wife is 8 weeks along.  He was so happy to share the news.  He could not wipe the humongous grin off of his face.  He was downright giddy.  More giddy that I ever thought any man could be.  So of course I am extremely happy for him.  I know he has been wanting kids for a really long time.  He is a great guy and will make a wonderful dad. 

It feels as though everyone around me is having a baby.  It feels as though the universe is rubbing it in my face that I will never have a biological child of my own.  Multiple bloggers I read are expecting or just had a baby.  A close friend is due on April 1st.  The D.J. I listen to in the morning is pregnant.  Even the lady they had on the radio show this morning is pregnant.

Luckily, I was able to pull myself together yesterday and made it through the entire work day.  I only let the happy side show through and tucked away the depressed, angry, bitter side.  I am, apparently, letting that side rear its ugly head now.  I really hate that such wonderful news can have such a negative impact on me. 

It is tough being thirty and infertile, internets.  It is tough.

I just watched a show on TLC called I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant.  My parents left a little while ago, I was too tired to clean up the house, or do much of anything, so I went a laid on the couch and turned on the television. I was in need of some vegging time after the whirlwind of company and shopping. 

I was going through the guide and stumbled upon this show.  The title immediately grabbed my attention and I tuned in.  I think my jaw was on the floor the entire time.  They shared the stories of 4 different women who were pregnant, and had no idea until moment before giving birth.

1 had false positives on 2 home pregnancy tests and had no symptoms.  One had not had a menstrual cycle in 14 years.  One woman gave birth to TWINS.  The husband of one of the women was actually pulled over by the cops for speeding on the way to the hospital.  By the time they had finished questioning him and let him go see his wife, she had already given birth.  Most of these babies were big, too.  7 and 8 pounders.  Incredibly, not one of these woman drank or smoked during their unknown pregnancy.  It totally and completely boggles my mind how this can happen.  With every pregnant woman I have known it has been incredibly obvious to the pregnant woman, as well as anyone else around her, that she is in fact growing new life inside of her. 

My grandmother gave birth to two sons in early 1947.  She knew she was pregnant, but was only expecting one baby.  My father was a complete surprise.  This, I can understand.  It was 1947.  Medical technology was not anywhere near what it is today.  An incredibly shocking surprise for my grandparents, yes, but one that I can wrap my head around.  I can comprehend how that happened.  I am still working on comprehending how some women could not know their bodies were going through such tremendous change.  How can some women's bodies have such drastically different pregnancies?  How can there be NO symptoms for some when most women have such a wide array of them?

I don't even know how one would deal with being given no advance warning whatsoever for such an incredibly life-altering event.  I guess you just find some way, because you have to.


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Webisode: You can check out a clip of a young 21 year old woman's story here.

FYI:  If you take antibiotics while on the pill, it could make the pills less effective.  Good to know!

I was given the opportunity to experience something really, really special today.

My friend who is 20 weeks pregnant invited me to go to her ultrasound appointment with her this afternoon.  Her mom and husband went also.  Her dad was supposed to go but he was sick so he couldn't make it.  She invited me to go in his place.  I was pretty much in awe watching the tiny baby move around and listening the heartbeat.  I could see the abdomen move up and down as the baby breathed.  I could see the tiny, tiny bones in the fingers.  I could see the baby give mom a massive kick.  I could see the baby hiccup.  I saw the cutest little munchable feet and toes.  One of the coolest things is that my friend also got a dvd with some video clips along with the usual pictures.

The twenty week ultrasound is the one where, if you are lucky and the baby is not modest, you can find out the gender.  My friend was lucky and also chose to find out the gender early.  She will be having a second little girl.

There were mixed emotions as I was standing there watching and taking it all in.  Of course I was very happy and excited for my friend.  And, of course I was a little bit sad that I would never be able to experience the same thing myself.  As I have gotten older, it's been harder and harder to deal with the fact that I can't have children myself.  In the last few years I have seen lots of friends have their first and second children.  It's hard to watch.  It's hard to see someone else experience this wonderful, amazing thing that I wish I could have, but know I never will.  It's almost like I'm being taunted.  I've been in a committed relationship with someone for over two years now.  I am with someone who I could picture myself actually having children with.  Before the last two or three years it was so much easier to put it out of my mind.  It seems to be in the forefront much more frequently now.