It has been 10 days since I started the medication for the periodic limb movement disorder. I am still feeling amazingly well. AMAZINGLY well. I wake up in the morning and feel only ever so slightly groggy and like I don't want to get out of bed. By the time I am driving to work I am wide awake. Fresh and alert. Everything seems so... clear. I have not felt like that in years and I cannot possibly adequately describe how this change has made feel or how large an impact it has had on my life.
I think people may be getting a little tired of me trying to explain. When others are tired because they are kept up all night by new babies or pets or anything else going on in their lives don't want to hear how wonderful you are feeling. Someone actually said, "quit bragging!"
Something that has been irking me, but I haven't really wanted to say out loud, is how others responded or treated me when I was going through this. I heard the following so many times from so many people:
- Everyone is tired!
- You just need to start drinking coffee!
- You just need to go to bed earlier!
- You just need to exercise more!
- You just need to force yourself to get up even when you are tired.
- You just need to reset your clock. Go to bed and get up at the same time every day.
- Fatigue is an indicator of depression. You are probably depressed.
- There is nothing wrong with you. You just want to be sick. You are just looking for something to be wrong.
Yeah, that last one had me in tears more than once.
It was a very long and exhausting two years. I saw my pcp so frequently I saw him more than a lot of my closer family members. I also saw a cardiologist, an endocrinologist, and a psychiatrist. I was put on countless medications -- one of which caused me the worst discomfort I have ever felt in my life and to miss work for two weeks due to the allergic reaction. I wasted way too much money paying for copays and medications I didn't need. It was the psychiatrist who actually saw me twice and then said, "I don't think you are depressed. You need to have a sleep study done." I credit him with saving my life.
I was too trusting of the doctors and others who voiced their thoughts on what was going on with me. I didn't trust my gut enough. I knew I was not depressed. I suppose it was a lack of self-confidence, coupled with being a naturally trusting and anti-conflict person, that allowed it to go on as long as it did.
I have not mentioned it to anyone yet, and probably never will, but I am still a little bitter and hold some resentment about how I was treated by friends, family, and my doctor. I reached out for help so many times and got very little support or assistance. There was basically only one person that understood, took me seriously, and tried to help as much as he could. He stuck by my side no matter what. No matter how difficult I was being. That person being my pretty amazing boyfriend. I really hate saying this, but I feel disappointed and let down by almost everyone else. No one took me seriously when I said I couldn't continue like this any longer. That I was not able to function well enough to work. They just ignored it, I suppose hoping it would eventually just go away. No one tried to help me come up with a plan to take a leave of absense or to work part-time or... something. No one offered to finally come to the doctor with me to speak up for me, since I obviously wasn't doing a good enough job for myself.
All that being said, I do understand that other people have their own troubles and issues they are dealing with. I understand that what is wrong with me is rare and was not a likely diagnosis, especially for someone my age. I realize I am 30 years old -- I am an adult who should be able to take care of herself. I realize I was probably expecting too much. Maybe I did too good of a job of covering it up. Just because they were not able or didn't know how to help, it doesn't mean they didn't care. I try to keep reminding myself of this when the thoughts of bitterness and resentment creep up. I am also hoping that getting it off my chest here will help.
I thank you for listening. :)
I'm so sorry that you received so little support. I know how painful that can be and it's very hard to let go of (if not impossible, and rightly so, I think).
I'm glad you found the help and answers you so clearly needed. Maybe with time the people who judged you so harshly will see the error of their ways. If nothing, they could have been kinder. Even if someone is remarkably busy, they can be kind. With time, hopefully you also find some peace with what happened.
Good for you Erin. It was probabaly cathartic to get your feelings out like this. I can totally empathize about lack of sleep. I can't remember the last time I awoke feeling really refreshed and rested. I am really happy that you found a treatment for your PLMD. Sweet Dreams!
Thanks for sharing!... when I was 21 I had a thrombosis (wich isn't rare in your 60s but it is quite rare if you are 21). I wasn't let down by my family, but I was extremely let down by my BF's lack of support, so I know exactly how it feels when you have to deal not only with a health problem but with relationship issues at the same time. And it is pretty exhausting.
Lucky for me, boyfriends can be dumped... so after I was officially discharged from medical treatment, we broke up. When it is family that dissapoint you, there is no such escape... i guess you will eventually find a way to make peace with those who actually deserve it.
Candice, I am sure that with time this will all be just a distant memory. Maybe others will be able to see it from my perspective one day, maybe not. But I am quite certain I will find peace with it all and be able to move on. I think I am already starting to.
I am sorry you have had to go through a similar thing with lack of support.
NatureCat, yes, I think it was very cathartic to get my feelings out like this. At some point a little further down the road, when it isn't so fresh, I may bring it up with those involved, but for now I thought it best to just release it here on my blog where they won't read it.
Sleep deprivation is just awful. It can turn you into a completely different person and it makes every little thing just seem 10 times worse than it really is. I wish you sleep dreams as well!
MSQ, thank you for reading! And commenting!
I am so sorry to hear about what you went through. I imagine that must have been extremely scary, especially at such a young age. I am very glad you at least were not let down by your family while going through that traumatic experience.
I am sure I will come to peace with it. I know there were never any sort of ill-intentions. And most of those involved have supported me in the past in different ways through many different times and through many different situations. Also, when I am feeling so well now, it is easy to concentrate on that and let all the other stuff fade to the background. I won't forget, but I can probably forgive.